I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
