don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
