I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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