You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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