The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
