nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
