Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
