I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
