Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
