Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
