My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
this hospital has no fireball
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
