Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
