cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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