I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
