so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
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I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
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Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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