My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I have post one night stand depression
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