You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
