I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
