CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
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