That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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