I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
