I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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