the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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