She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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