After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
