I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
soo... how was my night?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
