someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
