i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
