Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
