Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wish you could order shots online.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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