I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I think I just sharted jello shots
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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