so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
