I think I died a long time ago.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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