Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
