Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
