Swine flu. Run for my life!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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