then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
