he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
