I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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