so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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