Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
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I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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