So drunk its hurt
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
