he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
