i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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