Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
