Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
