She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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