If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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