I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
