did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
