Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
