he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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