I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
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THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
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So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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