what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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