Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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