She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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