Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
