You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
