I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
