I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
