Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
